Situations

Tantrums

Nearly all preschoolers have tantrums sometimes,¹⁰⁵ so in the moment your job is not to stop the storm but to keep everyone safe, stay calm and hold the limit.

• 1-3 years
• 3-5 years
• 5-7 years

Why it happens

Tantrums are a normal part of early childhood. In a community study of 1,490 preschoolers, parents reported that 83.7% had tantrums at least sometimes, but only 8.6% had them every day.¹⁰⁵ Ordinary tantrums tend to be frustration boiling over in situations you could almost predict.¹⁰⁵ Think of hearing no, having to stop something fun or a toy that won’t work.

Tired, stressed children have less self-control to draw on. A review of research on executive functions, the mental skills that include self-control, notes that stress and lack of sleep each impair them.⁷² Keep an eye on the tired, rushed moments.

Holding the limit calmly matters. In a meta-analysis of experiments on single parenting behaviors, briefly withdrawing attention after a child refused to do what was asked increased cooperation.⁴⁰ So stay close and kind, but don’t let the tantrum change the answer. If tantrums come with hitting or running off, see aggression and dangerous behavior in the best-proven approach.

Things you can say

Preventing the next one

• Notice when tantrums tend to happen (tired, hungry, rushed, a sudden change of plan) and plan around the hardest times of day.
• Protect sleep. In its 2016 consensus statement, the American Academy of Sleep Medicine recommends 11-14 hours per 24 hours at ages 1-2 and 10-13 hours at ages 3-5, naps included, and links regularly getting enough sleep with better behavior and emotional regulation.¹²³
• Give a heads-up before changes (“Five more minutes, then bath”) and try offering choices you’re happy with either way.
• Catch the calm moments and say so. Meta-analyses of parenting program trials found that only 3 of 26 techniques were linked with stronger effects on disruptive behavior, and positive reinforcement, praise in particular, was among them.¹⁶
• Spend a few minutes a day in connection time, playing what your child chooses. In a meta-analysis, parenting programs that built positive parent-child interaction had larger effects.¹¹
• On a calm day, make a calm-down plan with your preschooler or older child.

When to get help

• Tantrums are often unpredictable (out of the blue), very long or destructive. In a large study, temper loss that was a clinical concern tended to look like this, rather than like a reaction to everyday frustration.¹⁰⁵
• During tantrums, your child hurts themselves or is often violent toward people or things. In one study, these behaviors were more common in preschoolers with depression or disruptive behavior disorders than in healthy preschoolers.⁶⁹
• Your child has many tantrums at preschool or daycare, not just at home, or has a very hard time recovering afterward. Both were more common in preschoolers with disruptive behavior disorders than in healthy ones.⁶⁹
• Tantrums are getting more frequent or more intense as your child gets older, or they get in the way of family life, preschool or friendships.
• You feel close to losing control yourself. That’s a reason to get support, not a failure: see help lines.

Why it happens

A meltdown in public is usually the same tantrum you see at home, with two extra pressures: the place is full of things your child wants, and you feel watched. Being watched can pull parents toward ending it fast, either by giving in or by getting harsh. Getting harsh is not a shortcut: in its 2018 policy statement, the American Academy of Pediatrics says that yelling at or shaming children is minimally effective in the short term and not effective in the long term.⁶⁴

Your best bet is to do what you would do at home. In a meta-analysis of 77 evaluations of parenting programs, programs that taught time-out and the importance of consistent parenting had larger effects.¹¹ Consistency means the answer in the store is the same as the answer at home, even with people watching.

Sometimes the outing itself is the problem: too long, too loud, too close to nap time. Leaving early is not losing; it gives everyone a fresh start. For more, see public places in the best-proven approach.

Things you can say

Preventing the next one

• Go when your child is rested and fed, keep trips short, and bring a snack and something to do.
• Before you go in, say the plan and one or two rules in simple words: “We’re buying milk and rice, not toys. Stay next to the cart.” See clear expectations and instructions.
• Give your child a job: holding the list, choosing between two apples, putting things in the cart.
• Notice good behavior while it’s happening: “You’re walking right next to me. That really helps.” Meta-analyses of parenting program trials found praise among the few techniques linked with stronger effects on disruptive behavior.¹⁶
• Use when-then for the fun part: “When we’ve paid, then we can go to the playground.”
• Practice on short, easy trips you can leave without losing much before trying a long one.

When to get help

• Meltdowns happen almost everywhere you go, are getting worse rather than better, or you have started avoiding outings because of them.
• Your child often bolts toward traffic or into crowds. See dangerous behavior.
• Noise and crowds seem to overwhelm your child again and again, or you have other questions about their development, such as speech, play or how they connect with people. Raise it at a checkup, and see developmental differences.
• You notice any of the warning signs listed under tantrums.

Hitting and biting

Most toddlers hit, bite or push at times,¹⁰¹ and for most children it fades as they grow,⁷¹ so respond the same calm way every time: stop it, comfort the child who was hurt, and follow with a brief consequence.

• 1-3 years
• 3-5 years
• 5-7 years

Why it happens

Physical aggression is a normal stage of early childhood, not a sign of a bad child. In a study of 2,253 young children, physical aggression already appeared at 12 months, was more common at 24 and 36 months, and declined from the third birthday onward.⁶⁷ A Canadian study that followed 10,658 children between ages 2 and 11 found that most used physical aggression occasionally or rarely as toddlers and rarely or almost never by pre-adolescence, while about 1 in 6 (16.6%) stayed on a high, stable path.⁷¹

What helps is a calm response that is the same every time. In a meta-analysis of 77 evaluations, parenting programs that taught time-out and consistent parenting had larger effects.¹¹ In a small study of 3 children, 2 of whom had intellectual disabilities, brief time-out reduced aggression and disruption.⁴² And in a small classroom study, a system in which each aggressive act cost a smiley face (with a short reprimand), and keeping at least one face earned a reward, substantially reduced aggression in 4 preschoolers.⁴⁸ For the full plan, see aggression in the best-proven approach.

Hitting or biting a child back to show how it feels can seem logical. But a meta-analysis found that parental corporal punishment was associated with more immediate compliance and also with more aggression in children,⁵⁴ and, in its 2018 policy statement, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that adults not hit children at all.⁶⁴ A minority of researchers argue that the harmful-looking results for ordinary spanking are likely due to other differences between families that the studies could not fully control.⁶² Physical discipline sets out both sides.

Things you can say

Preventing the next one

• Watch for the build-up (crowded play, a tired afternoon, a fight over a toy) and step in early with redirection or a different toy.
• When everyone is calm, teach what to do instead: say stop, walk away, get a grown-up, stomp, squeeze a pillow. Practice it in play.
• Notice gentle play out loud: “You asked for a turn. That was kind.” Meta-analyses of parenting program trials found praise among the few techniques linked with stronger effects on disruptive behavior.¹⁶
• Agree on the same rule and the same consequence with everyone who cares for your child: the other parent, grandparents, childcare.

When to get help

• Hitting or biting is frequent and not easing as your child gets older, or it is getting worse. Most children use physical aggression less as they grow, but in a large Canadian study about 1 in 6 stayed on a high, stable path.⁷¹
• Someone is getting hurt: real injuries, aggression toward babies or pets, or your child’s preschool or daycare is raising concerns.
• Aggression comes with other worries about development, such as speech, play or getting along with others. See developmental differences.
• You have used a consistent plan for several weeks and nothing has changed. See when it is not working.

Why it happens

Siblings share space, toys and their parents’ attention, so disagreements come with the territory. Hurting each other is a different matter, and it deserves to be taken seriously. In a national sample of 3,599 children and youth, those who had experienced sibling aggression in the past year (psychological, property or physical) reported more mental health distress, and among children up to age 9, even mild physical assault was linked with more distress than among older youth.¹⁰³

With coaching, children can learn to sort out conflicts themselves. When mothers of 5- to 8-year-olds were trained to mediate their children’s disputes, the children reasoned, talked about feelings and understood each other’s motives more often than children in control families, and younger siblings in particular were better able to solve conflicts.⁴⁹ The study looked only at short-term effects. In another program, 4- to 8-year-old siblings who were taught emotional and social skills got along better and handled their emotions better than children on a wait list.⁸² For more, see siblings in the best-proven approach.

Things you can say

Preventing the next one

• Give each child some one-on-one connection time, even 10 minutes a day.
• Notice them getting along: “You two built that together.” Meta-analyses of parenting program trials found praise among the few techniques linked with stronger effects on disruptive behavior.¹⁶
• Agree on a few family rules together at a family meeting, such as no hurting and ask before you take.
• Plan for the usual flashpoints: a timer for turns, a shelf for special things that don’t have to be shared, separate seats in the car.
• On calm days, practice the skills: naming feelings, asking for a turn, trading, walking away.
• Avoid comparing your children, even to encourage them.

When to get help

• One child is regularly hurt, frightened or picked on, or the aggression mostly goes one way.
• Fights often cause injuries or involve objects used as weapons.
• A child seems anxious, sad or withdrawn, or starts dreading time at home. In a national sample, sibling aggression in the past year was linked with more mental health distress in children and teens.¹⁰³
• Nothing changes after several weeks of a consistent plan. See when it is not working.

Bedtime battles

Bedtime goes better with a short routine that’s the same every night,¹²¹ and a parent who stays calm and boring when the stalling starts.

• 1-3 years
• 3-5 years
• 5-7 years
• 7-10 years
• 10-12 years

Why it happens

Bedtime asks a lot of a child: stop playing, say goodnight to you and lie still in the dark, usually at the end of a long day for everyone. Stalling for one more drink or one more hug makes sense from their side.

The good news is that bedtime problems usually respond to behavioral approaches. A review of 52 treatment studies concluded that they work for bedtime problems and night waking in infants and young children: 94% of the studies reported them effective, and more than 80% of treated children showed clinically significant improvement that lasted 3 to 6 months.¹²⁰ Even just adding a steady routine helps. In a 3-week randomized study of 405 mothers and their infants or toddlers, a consistent nightly routine shortened the time children took to fall asleep, cut the number and length of night wakings and improved mothers’ mood.¹²¹

Sleep and daytime behavior go together: in its 2016 consensus statement, the American Academy of Sleep Medicine links regularly sleeping the recommended hours with better attention, behavior, learning and emotional regulation.¹²³

Things you can say

Preventing the next one

• Same steps, same order, every night. In a randomized study, a consistent nightly routine improved infants’ and toddlers’ sleep.¹²¹
• Put the steps on a picture chart, so the chart is the boss instead of you. Try the routine chart.
• Keep bedtime and wake-up time steady and plan for enough sleep. In its 2016 consensus statement, the American Academy of Sleep Medicine recommends, per 24 hours, 11-14 hours at ages 1-2 and 10-13 hours at ages 3-5 (naps included), and 9-12 hours at ages 6-12.¹²³
• Turn screens off well before bed. In its 2016 statement on young children and media, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommended no screens in the hour before bedtime,¹¹⁰ and in a systematic review of 67 studies of school-age children and teens, 90% linked screen time with worse sleep, mainly shorter or later, though cause and effect was not confirmed.¹¹⁷
• Fit some connection time into the evening, so bedtime isn’t the only time your child gets you to themselves.
• Praise staying in bed the next morning, warmly and specifically.

When to get help

• Bedtime is still a nightly battle after a few weeks of a steady routine. Ask your pediatrician about behavioral sleep help: a review of 52 studies concluded that behavioral treatments work for bedtime problems and night waking in young children.¹²⁰
• Your child snores loudly, gasps or seems to stop breathing during sleep.
• Your child regularly sleeps much less than recommended for their age and seems tired, irritable or unfocused during the day.
• Fears, nightmares or night waking are getting worse, or worries at bedtime come with anxiety during the day as well.

Mealtime struggles

Pushing children to eat can backfire,¹¹⁶ so keep the jobs clear: you decide what is served and when, your child decides whether and how much to eat, and you discipline behavior at the table, not appetite.

• 1-3 years
• 3-5 years
• 5-7 years
• 7-10 years

Why it happens

A child who refuses dinner may not be hungry, may be wary of something unfamiliar, or may have discovered that the table is a great place to have a say. Whatever the reason, pressure can make it worse. In an experiment with preschoolers, children ate significantly more and made far fewer negative comments about the food when they were not pressured than when they were asked to finish it.¹¹⁶

Repeated tasting without pressure helps. In a small randomized trial in 3 elementary schools (49 children), those who were offered a taste of sweet red pepper in 8 daily sessions over 2 weeks, and told they could eat as much as they liked, came to like it more and ate more of it than children who had no treatment.¹²⁵ A sticker reward for eating at least one piece gave in-between results that did not differ significantly from tasting or from no treatment.¹²⁵

So the discipline side of mealtimes is narrow: steady routines, calm limits on behavior at the table, and no battles over bites. For what to cook and how to make family meals something everyone enjoys, see our sister site Show Tell Share.

Things you can say

Preventing the next one

• Keep regular meal and snack times, so your child comes to the table hungry rather than full from grazing.
• Serve new foods again and again, with no pressure, next to something your child already likes. In a small school trial, repeated tasting raised children’s liking for a new vegetable and how much they ate.¹²⁵
• You don’t need prizes for eating. In the same trial, a sticker reward for eating did not clearly help.¹²⁵
• Eat together when you can, with screens off. In its 2016 statement on young children and media, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommended screen-free mealtimes.¹¹⁰
• Let your child help: washing vegetables, setting the table, choosing between two vegetables for dinner. For ideas on food and family meals, visit our sister site Show Tell Share.
• Agree on the approach with grandparents and other caregivers. See grandparents with different rules.

When to get help

• Your child is losing weight or not growing as expected, or your pediatrician is concerned about growth.
• Eating often comes with gagging, choking, vomiting or pain.
• Your child eats so few foods that you worry about their nutrition, or new foods cause real panic.
• Meals have become a daily battle that leaves you or your child upset, even after several weeks of a calm approach.

Why it happens

Screens are built to hold attention. In its 2026 policy statement, the American Academy of Pediatrics notes that most digital platforms are designed to boost engagement and profit, not to support children’s health and development.¹²² Stopping something designed to be hard to stop is hard even for adults, so protests at switch-off time are worth expecting and planning for.

Limits are worth holding. In a Canadian study that followed 2,441 children, more screen time at age 2 was linked with lower scores on a developmental screening test at age 3, and more screen time at age 3 with lower scores at age 5, based on mothers’ reports.⁸⁶ In a review of 67 studies of school-age children and teenagers, 90% linked screen time with worse sleep, mostly shorter or later sleep, though the review could not confirm that screens were the cause.¹¹⁷

This guide is about limits and switching off. For how screens fit with sleep and learning, see sleep and screens in Encouraging learning.

At 10 to 12. Social media and group chats enter the picture. The American Academy of Pediatrics’ 2016 statement for ages 5 to 18 asks for a family media plan with consistent rules, boundaries on content and on sharing personal information, and open conversation about what happens online, and says no single rule fits every child.¹¹⁴ Make the plan with your preteen, keep devices out of the bedroom at night (later bedtimes and shorter sleep are the most consistent findings on media and sleep),¹¹² and keep the fear in proportion: an analysis of three large datasets covering more than 355,000 teenagers found only a small link between technology use and well-being.⁹⁰ See screens on the Preteens page.

Things you can say

Preventing the next one

• Make a family media plan: when, where and for how long screens are used, written down where everyone can see it. The researchers behind a large study of screen time in young children recommend one.⁸⁶
• Keep meals screen-free and turn screens off 1 hour before bed, as the American Academy of Pediatrics advised in its 2016 statement on young children and media.¹¹⁰
• Follow the same statement’s age guide for children aged 0 to 5: before 18 months, no screens except video chat; at 18 to 24 months, if you start, choose high-quality programs and watch together; at ages 2 to 5, 1 hour a day or less of high-quality programs, shared with you when you can.¹¹⁰
• Make the end predictable with a timer or a picture schedule. See routines and visual schedules.
• When screen time is over, put devices out of sight, and keep them out of bedrooms at night.
• Let the plan cover adults too: phones away at meals and during play.

When to get help

• Screens are crowding out sleep, school, friends or active play, and a clear plan hasn’t helped after several weeks. See when it is not working.
• Your child has intense outbursts or becomes aggressive nearly every time a screen goes off.
• You are worried about your child’s talking, play or social development. Ask your pediatrician about a developmental assessment.
• Your child seems frightened, upset or secretive about something seen or someone met online.
• Sleep problems continue even with screens off for the hour before bed.

Why it happens

Lying is common in young children. In lab studies, children were asked not to peek at a toy while the adult wasn’t looking, and most peeked. Among 2- and 3-year-olds, most 2-year-olds who peeked admitted it, but older children were more likely to deny it.⁷⁶ Among children aged 3 to 8, most who peeked later lied about it, although what they said next sometimes gave the truth away.⁹⁷

Early lies go along with growing thinking skills. Children’s first denials were related to understanding what someone else believes and to self-control, and keeping a lie going was related to more advanced reasoning about what others think.⁹⁷ Among 2- and 3-year-olds, executive function skills (such as self-control) predicted which children lied, even after taking age into account.⁷⁶ So a young child’s lie is a chance to teach honesty, not proof that something is wrong.

How adults respond matters. In a natural experiment in West Africa, more 3- and 4-year-olds lied about peeking at a school that relied on punishment than at a school that did not, and they were better at keeping the lie going.⁹⁸ In another experiment with children aged 4 to 8, children who were told they would feel good about themselves for telling the truth were less likely to lie when they did not expect punishment than when they did.⁹⁹ Both studies point the same way: make the truth safe to tell.

At 10 to 12. Lies get more sophisticated: in an experiment with 8- to 16-year-olds, how well children covered a lie, but not whether they lied, went with their executive functioning skills.⁷⁵ Catching every lie stops being possible. Making the truth safe to tell, and separating the consequence for the deed from the consequence for the lie, matters more. See honesty and trust on the Preteens page.

Things you can say

Preventing the next one

• Make the truth safe to tell: stay as calm as you can when you hear bad news, and keep consequences small and linked to what happened.
• Let your child know that honesty matters to you, and that you want to hear the truth even when it’s hard to hear.
• Don’t ask questions you already know the answer to.
• Notice honest moments out loud: “You told me even though you knew I might be upset. Thank you.” See specific praise and attention.
• Be honest with your child yourself, in small things too: if you’re not buying a toy, say no rather than “The store is closed.”
• Spend a little one-on-one time together each day, so your child has easy chances to tell you things. See connection time.

When to get help

• Lying is frequent and comes with other serious problems, such as stealing, hurting others or trouble at school.
• Your child seems to lie out of fear, or you suspect they are covering for someone who is hurting them. See help lines.
• Several weeks of calm, consistent handling haven’t helped. See when it is not working.
• You find yourself punishing harshly or losing your temper over lies. A parenting program can give you support and new tools.

Defiance and “no”

When your child refuses, give one clear instruction, offer a small choice or a when-then, and follow through calmly, every time.

• 1-3 years
• 3-5 years
• 5-7 years
• 7-10 years
• 10-12 years

Why it happens

Refusals wear parents down, but you have more influence than it feels like in the moment. Research points to what you can change: how you give the instruction, and what happens after it.

How you ask: a review of 42 studies concluded that delivering instructions effectively, and starting with a few easy requests your child is likely to follow before a harder one, may be considered evidence-based ways to increase cooperation.⁴⁷ What happens next: in a meta-analysis of experiments, time-out and briefly ignoring the child after a refusal both reliably increased cooperation.⁴⁰ Praise on its own had mixed results for getting children to follow an instruction,⁴⁵ but it still earns its place: in 2 meta-analyses of parenting program trials, praise and other positive reinforcement, along with natural and logical consequences, were the techniques linked with stronger program effects on difficult behavior.¹⁶

For children 7 and older whose defiance is persistent, solving problems together is another option with trial evidence. In a randomized trial with 134 children aged 7 to 14 diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder, Collaborative and Proactive Solutions, an approach in which adult and child work out solutions together, worked as well as parent management training: after either treatment, about half the children no longer met the diagnosis and were much improved, compared with none on the waiting list.⁴⁴

At 10 to 12. Flat refusals turn into negotiation. From early to mid-adolescence, arguments get less frequent but more heated, though the finding on heat rests on few studies,⁸⁴ and children who saw no growing say in family decisions turned more sharply toward peers.⁷⁷ Give a real say in the rules, keep the ones that matter, and take the argument to the family meeting instead of the doorway. See handing over decisions on the Preteens page.

Things you can say

Preventing the next one

• Give fewer instructions, and make each one count: one at a time, said once. Keep consequences small and the same every time, so you can follow through without anger. See follow-through.
• Spend a few minutes a day doing what your child chooses, with no instructions or corrections. In a meta-analysis, parenting programs that taught positive parent-child interaction had larger effects.¹¹ See connection time.
• Catch your child cooperating and say so. Meta-analyses of parenting program trials found praise among the few techniques linked with stronger effects on difficult behavior.¹⁶
• Give a warning before changes, and keep daily routines predictable. See routines and visual schedules.
• Decide ahead of time which rules are firm and where your child can have a say, and offer choices there. See offering choices.

When to get help

• Defiance happens most days, is getting worse, or is causing trouble at preschool, at school or with friends after several weeks of steady effort. See when it is not working.
• Outbursts happen every day, or are very long, unpredictable or destructive. In a large study of preschoolers, daily tantrums were uncommon (8.6%), and unpredictable, long or destructive ones were the kind researchers flagged as concerning.¹⁰⁵
• Defiance comes with hurting others, breaking things, or danger to your child or others.
• You wonder whether attention, language or another developmental difference is part of the picture. See developmental differences.
• Professional help works well for this. In a meta-analysis of 36 trials with young children, psychological treatments for disruptive behavior had large, lasting effects, and behavioral treatments had the largest.³

Whining

Answer the regular voice, not the whine: meet real needs first, ask once for a regular voice, respond quickly when you hear it, and keep a no a no.

• 1-3 years
• 3-5 years
• 5-7 years

Why it happens

Think of whining as a request in a hard-to-hear voice: for something, or for you. Tired or stressed children have a harder time holding it together: a review of research on self-control and related thinking skills notes that stress and lack of sleep each impair them.⁷² So check the basics before you treat it as a behavior problem.

Aim your attention at the voice you want. In 2 meta-analyses of parenting program trials, praise and other positive reinforcement were among the few techniques linked with stronger program effects on disruptive behavior.¹⁶ The flip side is giving the whine itself no reaction. In a meta-analysis of experiments, briefly ignoring a child right after they refused to cooperate reliably increased cooperation.⁴⁰ Those studies looked at refusals rather than whining, but the idea carries over: the whine gets nothing, and the regular voice gets a quick, warm answer.

Things you can say

Preventing the next one

• Give attention before it’s demanded: short, warm moments through the day, plus a few minutes of connection time daily. In a meta-analysis, parenting programs that taught positive parent-child interaction had larger effects.¹¹
• Notice the regular voice and praise it. Meta-analyses of parenting program trials found praise and other positive reinforcement among the few techniques linked with stronger effects on disruptive behavior.¹⁶
• Practice at calm times, as a game: say the same thing in a whiny voice, a robot voice and a regular voice.
• Keep snacks, sleep and screen time on a predictable routine, so there’s less to negotiate. See routines and visual schedules.
• Decide before you answer. If it’s a yes, say yes right away; if it’s a no, keep it a no.

When to get help

• The whining comes with a lot of worry, sadness, clinginess or fear that gets in the way of daily life.
• It started suddenly, or came with changes in sleep, appetite or health. Check with your pediatrician in case your child is unwell.
• Your child seems to whine because they can’t make themselves understood. Ask about a speech and language assessment.
• Nothing has changed after several weeks of steady effort. See when it is not working.

Homework

Turn homework from a nightly battle into a routine: same time and place, small chunks with breaks, you nearby for support, and the work left to your child.

• 5-7 years
• 7-10 years
• 10-12 years

Why it happens

Homework battles can have many sources: a tired child, a task that is too hard or too dull, a screen nearby, a parent who badly wants it done. Your job is the structure. The work itself belongs to your child.

Parents can learn to help. In a meta-analysis of 14 studies, training parents to support homework led to more homework completed and fewer homework problems among elementary school children.¹²⁴ How you help matters too. In a meta-analysis of 448 studies, most kinds of parent involvement in school had small positive links with how children did, but helping with homework was linked with lower achievement, though not with lower engagement or motivation.¹¹¹ A separate meta-analysis of middle school students, most of them older than the children this site covers, found the same exception for homework help.¹¹⁸ These are correlations, so they can’t show that helping lowers grades. A sensible middle path is to stay available and encouraging while your child does the work.

For how homework fits with learning at this age, see homework in Encouraging learning.

At 10 to 12. Homework starts to count for more: in US research the link with achievement was stronger from grade 7 on,¹¹³ and a meta-analysis of middle school studies, close to this age, found that involvement helped except for direct help with homework, a link rather than proof of cause.¹¹⁸ Hand the routine over and stay available. See homework on the Preteens learning page.

Things you can say

Preventing the next one

• Set a regular homework time and place, with screens put away. In a meta-analysis, rule-setting by parents was more strongly linked with how children did than other kinds of homework involvement.¹²⁴
• After school, give your child a snack and some downtime before starting.
• Use a checklist or a routine chart so the steps are clear without nagging.
• Agree on homework rules together at a family meeting, and adjust them when they stop working.
• Stay in touch with the teacher (and the after-school program, if homework happens there) about how long homework should take. If it routinely takes much longer, raise it early.
• Help in ways that build independence: be available, ask questions, look over the finished work. See homework in Encouraging learning.

When to get help

• Homework takes far longer than it should nearly every night, or your child struggles with reading, writing or math despite real effort. Ask the teacher whether an assessment would help.
• Trouble focusing, finishing tasks and staying organized shows up at school and at home, not only at homework time. Talk with your pediatrician. See developmental differences.
• Your child has strong worry, tears or stomachaches about school, or starts refusing to go.
• Homework fights are hurting your relationship and nothing has helped after several weeks. See when it is not working.

Grandparents with different rules

When grandparents do things differently, stay respectful in front of your child, agree in private on the few rules that matter most, and let the small things go.

• 0-12 months
• 1-3 years
• 3-5 years
• 5-7 years
• 7-10 years
• 10-12 years

Why it happens

When grandparents help raise a child, they bring love, experience and a great deal of practical help. They also bring habits from another time, and their own ideas about food, sleep and discipline. Differences are to be expected, and how the adults handle them matters.

Research on coparenting, meaning how the adults raising a child work together, points the same way. A meta-analysis of 59 studies found that how well parents cooperated and agreed, and how much they fought or pulled the child into their disagreements, was linked with how well children were doing. The links were small, but they held up after accounting for each parent’s own parenting or the quality of the parents’ relationship, and coparenting predicted later changes in how children were doing.¹⁰⁰

Grandparents can learn the same approach. In a small randomized trial with 54 grandparents caring for grandchildren aged 2 to 9, a parenting program designed for grandparents (Grandparent Triple P) reduced grandparent-reported behavior problems, raised grandparents’ confidence, lowered their depression, anxiety and stress, and improved their relationship with the child’s parents. Parents, who did not attend, also reported fewer behavior problems, and most effects lasted to a 6-month follow-up.¹³ For more, see grandparent caregivers and when caregivers disagree in the best-proven approach.

Things you can say

Preventing the next one

• Talk early and calmly, not in the heat of the moment. Agree on a few essentials, such as safety, sleep, screens and how to respond to misbehavior, and let the rest be flexible.
• Agree as a couple first. Then each of you can talk with your own parents.
• Share the reasons, not only the rules: you could look at the core of the best-proven approach together. If you disagree about physical punishment, where researchers agree is a calmer starting point than an argument.
• Write down the daily routine and the main rules so everyone follows the same steps. A family rules poster can help.
• Give grandparents a special role of their own, like a weekly outing or making dumplings together, and thank them often.
• If grandparents help with care regularly, consider taking a parenting course together. See parenting programs.

When to get help

• Disagreements are frequent or heated, often happen in front of your child, and talking hasn’t helped. A family counselor can help.
• A grandparent uses harsh punishment, shaming or threats that frighten your child, or you are worried about your child’s safety. See warning signs.
• Your child seems anxious or torn between the adults, or their behavior is getting worse.
• You feel stuck between your partner and your parents. Counseling for the couple or the whole family can help.