WeiMeiJiao Warm, firm discipline from birth to age 12

By age

Babies (0-12 months)

The first year needs no punishment. It needs a grown-up who responds, a few predictable routines, and a home that is safe to explore.

Start here

  1. Respond when your baby cries, babbles or reaches for you: pick them up, talk back, smile back.
  2. Baby-proof the rooms your baby spends time in, so there is less to say no to.
  3. When your baby grabs something unsafe, swap it for something safe and move on. That is redirection.
  4. Start a short bedtime routine and keep it the same every night.121
  5. If the crying gets to be too much, put your baby down in a safe place such as the crib and step away for a few minutes. Never shake a baby.
A parent holds a baby face to face in a soft-lit room; the baby smiles and reaches toward the parent.

What’s normal at this age

In the first year there is nothing to punish. A baby who cries, grabs your glasses or drops the spoon for the 10th time is doing what babies do. Your job this year is not to teach lessons. It is to keep your baby safe, meet their needs, and build the daily rhythm that later discipline grows out of.

Crying

Crying is your baby’s main way of telling you something, and in the early weeks it can feel endless. A meta-analysis of 28 diary studies with 8,690 babies found that fussing and crying averaged about 2 hours a day in the first 6 weeks and fell to just over 1 hour a day by 10-12 weeks.106 Colic, by a standard research definition, affected 17-25% of babies in the first 6 weeks but under 1% by 10-12 weeks.106 The same analysis found no evidence of one crying peak at 6 weeks that applies to all babies.106 If you are worried about how your baby is crying, call your pediatrician.

Signals and repair

From early on, babies show distinct feelings that fit what is happening around them. A classic review describes baby and caregiver as steering their time together through these signals: your baby fusses, you respond, your baby settles or tries again.50 The same review suggests that healthy development goes with interactions in which missed signals are often repaired, so mistakes are part of the process.50 You will often misread your baby. Noticing and trying again is the skill.

Toward the first birthday

Once your baby is on the move, assume that anything within reach will be touched, pulled and put in the mouth. Some babies also start to hit, bite or pull hair. In a large study, physical aggression was already present at 12 months and became more common in the second year.67 Treat it calmly, as something to stop and redirect, not something to punish. See hitting and biting.

Sleep shapes the day, too. For babies 4-12 months, the American Academy of Sleep Medicine recommends 12-16 hours of sleep in 24 hours, naps included.123

What works, and why

Respond

Responding means noticing what your baby is doing or “saying” and answering soon, in a way that fits: picking up a crying baby, smiling back, naming the dog they are staring at. In a randomized trial, a 10-visit home program taught mothers to respond more to their babies. The mothers became more responsive over the months their babies were assessed (6 to 13 months), and that extra responsiveness led to greater growth in the babies’ social, emotional, communication and thinking skills.14 A review of language research adds that parents’ responsiveness to babies’ babbling and exploring predicts how well babies learn words.156

A few minutes of floor play where you follow your baby’s lead is the baby version of connection time. And when you get it wrong, which every parent does, come back and reconnect. That is repair, and it starts now.

Routines

You do not need a strict schedule. Aim for a predictable rhythm: feeding, play and sleep in roughly the same order each day, with the same small rituals. Bedtime is a good place to start. In a randomized study of 405 mothers, starting a consistent nightly routine improved sleep in babies aged 7-18 months and toddlers aged 18-36 months: they fell asleep faster and woke less often and for shorter stretches at night. Mothers’ mood improved too.121 More broadly, a review links family routines with children’s adjustment and with parenting competence, although the studies behind it have real limits.115 See routines and visual schedules, and bedtime battles.

Safety-proofing

Once your baby rolls, crawls and pulls up, the easiest discipline is changing the room, not the baby. Gate the stairs, cover outlets, lock away medicines and cleaning products, and move breakables, cords and small objects out of reach. Then most of the house becomes a yes, and you save your “no” for the few things that matter.

Keep watching your baby either way. Research on home safety programs is thinner than you might expect: a Cochrane review of home safety education, with or without free or low-cost safety equipment, found only some evidence that it may reduce injuries.81

Redirection

When your baby heads for the plant or grabs your phone, move them, or swap the object for something they are allowed to have, and carry on. Redirecting is one of the alternatives to punishment that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends in its 2018 policy statement, along with praising good behavior and setting limits.64 With babies it is the main tool: few words, quick action, no lecture. Toward 12 months, add a few words as you act: “Hot. Not for babies.”

Reach for a toy, a song or a change of scene rather than a phone. In its 2016 statement on young children and media, the American Academy of Pediatrics discouraged screen media other than video chatting for babies under 18 months.110 More on redirection and screens.

When the crying gets to you

Some days nothing works. Check the basics (hungry, wet, too hot or cold, tired, wants to be held), then try rocking, walking, a quiet dark room or a stroller ride. If you have tried everything and feel your temper rising, put your baby down in a safe place such as the crib, close the door, and take a few minutes to breathe. Go back when you are calmer.

Never shake a baby

Never shake a baby, not even for a moment. If you feel you might lose control, put your baby down safely, walk away, and call someone: your partner, a friend, your pediatrician or a help line.

Walking away when frustrated, and the dangers of shaking, are among the messages of The Period of PURPLE Crying, a crying-education program tested in a large randomized trial with mothers of newborns. Two months after the birth, mothers who got the materials knew a little more about crying and about shaking, although the way they said they responded to crying was similar to mothers who did not get them.68 Doctors take this seriously: the American Academy of Pediatrics has a policy statement on abusive head trauma in babies and children and asks pediatricians to stay alert to its signs.88

What backfires

  • Punishment. Slapping a baby’s hand, shouting, or leaving a baby to cry as a lesson does not fit this age. In its 2018 policy statement, the American Academy of Pediatrics advises against hitting, spanking and shaming children of any age.64 In a study of nearly 2,800 families, spanking at age 1 was linked with a higher chance that child protective services became involved with the family by age 5, and the authors advise professionals to counsel parents not to spank infants and toddlers.63 Even a review by a leading defender of occasional spanking, a minority view among researchers, reports its beneficial outcomes mainly in 2- to 6-year-olds.59 Carrying your baby away from danger is different: that is safety, not punishment (see safety versus punishment).
  • Shaking, or rough handling in anger. Put your baby down and walk away instead.
  • Holding back comfort so you don’t “spoil” your baby. In the responsiveness trial above, babies whose mothers became more responsive grew more in social, emotional, communication and thinking skills, not less.14
  • Screens as a soother. Babies learn from people. In one study, 9-month-old American babies picked up Mandarin speech sounds from live speakers but not from recordings of the same speech.119
  • Long explanations and repeated warnings. Use your hands more than your words: move the baby or the object, then say a word or two.

Things you can say

Most of what you say this year is a running commentary: naming, comforting, narrating. Keep it short and warm, and use the same few words in the same situations.

Your baby cries in the next room I hear you. I’m coming.
Your baby grabs your phone That’s my phone. Here, you can have this cup.
Your baby pulls your hair or bites Ouch, that hurts. Gentle hands, like this.
Your baby crawls toward the stairs Stairs are not for playing. Let’s play over here.
Your baby squirms during a diaper change I know, you don’t like this. Almost done. All done!
Starting the bedtime routine Bath, book, song, bed. Time to sleep.
To yourself, when the crying is too much My baby is safe in the crib. I’m taking 5 minutes to breathe, then I’ll go back.

Sources

The small numbers in the text point to these sources. Each one has a full entry on the Research page.

  1. Landry, S. H., Smith, K. E., & Swank, P. R. (2006). Responsive parenting: Establishing early foundations for social, communication, and independent problem-solving skills. Developmental Psychology, 42(4), 627-642. See it on the Research page doi:10.1037/0012-1649.42.4.627 Back to the text
  2. Tronick, E. Z. (1989). Emotions and emotional communication in infants. American Psychologist, 44(2), 112-119. See it on the Research page doi:10.1037/0003-066x.44.2.112 Back to the text
  3. Larzelere, R. E. (2000). Child outcomes of nonabusive and customary physical punishment by parents: An updated literature review. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 3(4), 199-221. See it on the Research page doi:10.1023/a:1026473020315 Back to the text
  4. Lee, S. J., Grogan-Kaylor, A., & Berger, L. M. (2014). Parental spanking of 1-year-old children and subsequent child protective services involvement. Child Abuse & Neglect, 38(5), 875-883. See it on the Research page doi:10.1016/j.chiabu.2014.01.018 Back to the text
  5. Sege, R. D., Siegel, B. S., Council on Child Abuse and Neglect, & Committee on Psychosocial Aspects of Child and Family Health (2018). Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children. Pediatrics, 142(6), e20183112. See it on the Research page doi:10.1542/peds.2018-3112 Back to the text
  6. Barr, R. G., Rivara, F. P., Barr, M., Cummings, P., Taylor, J., Lengua, L. J., & Meredith-Benitz, E. (2009). Effectiveness of Educational Materials Designed to Change Knowledge and Behaviors Regarding Crying and Shaken-Baby Syndrome in Mothers of Newborns: A Randomized, Controlled Trial. Pediatrics, 123(3), 972-980. See it on the Research page doi:10.1542/peds.2008-0908 Back to the text
  7. Kendrick, D., Young, B., Mason-Jones, A. J., Ilyas, N., Achana, F. A., Cooper, N. J., Hubbard, S. J., Sutton, A. J., Smith, S., Wynn, P., Mulvaney, C. A., Watson, M. C., & Coupland, C. (2012). Home safety education and provision of safety equipment for injury prevention. Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews, 2014(10). See it on the Research page doi:10.1002/14651858.cd005014.pub3 Back to the text
  8. Narang, S. K., Fingarson, A., Lukefahr, J., & Council on Child Abuse and Neglect (2020). Abusive Head Trauma in Infants and Children. Pediatrics, 145(4), e20200203. See it on the Research page doi:10.1542/peds.2020-0203 Back to the text
  9. Wolke, D., Bilgin, A., & Samara, M. (2017). Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis: Fussing and Crying Durations and Prevalence of Colic in Infants. The Journal of Pediatrics, 185, 55-61.e4. See it on the Research page doi:10.1016/j.jpeds.2017.02.020 Back to the text
  10. American Academy of Pediatrics, Council on Communications and Media (2016). Media and Young Minds. Pediatrics, 138(5), e20162591. See it on the Research page doi:10.1542/peds.2016-2591 Back to the text
  11. Fiese, B. H., Tomcho, T. J., Douglas, M., Josephs, K., Poltrock, S., & Baker, T. (2002). A review of 50 years of research on naturally occurring family routines and rituals: Cause for celebration?. Journal of Family Psychology, 16(4), 381-390. See it on the Research page doi:10.1037/0893-3200.16.4.381 Back to the text
  12. Kuhl, P. K., Tsao, F.-M., & Liu, H.-M. (2003). Foreign-language experience in infancy: Effects of short-term exposure and social interaction on phonetic learning. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 100(15), 9096-9101. See it on the Research page doi:10.1073/pnas.1532872100 Back to the text
  13. Mindell, J. A., Telofski, L. S., Wiegand, B., & Kurtz, E. S. (2009). A Nightly Bedtime Routine: Impact on Sleep in Young Children and Maternal Mood. Sleep, 32(5), 599-606. See it on the Research page doi:10.1093/sleep/32.5.599 Back to the text
  14. Paruthi, S., et al. (2016). Recommended Amount of Sleep for Pediatric Populations: A Consensus Statement of the American Academy of Sleep Medicine. Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine, 12(6), 785-786. See it on the Research page doi:10.5664/jcsm.5866 Back to the text
  15. Tamis-LeMonda, C. S., Kuchirko, Y., & Song, L. (2014). Why Is Infant Language Learning Facilitated by Parental Responsiveness?. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 23(2), 121-126. See it on the Research page doi:10.1177/0963721414522813 Back to the text