WeiMeiJiao Warm, firm discipline from birth to age 12

By age

Toddlers (1-3 years)

Your job at this age is simple to say and hard to do: hold a few firm limits, keep them kind, and help your child calm down when feelings get too big.

Start here

  1. Choose 2 or 3 limits that matter most, such as no hurting and staying safe, and hold them every time.
  2. Say what to do, not just what to stop: “Feet on the floor.” “Gentle hands.”
  3. Offer two choices you are happy with: “Red cup or blue cup?” See offering choices.
  4. In a tantrum, stay close and calm, keep everyone safe, and wait. Talk once it has passed. See tantrums.
  5. After hitting or biting, stop it at once, comfort the child who was hurt, then show the gentle way. See hitting and biting.

What’s normal at this age

Here is what the research says about the behavior that worries parents most at this age. One practical note first: expect to repeat the same few limits many, many times.

Hitting, biting and pushing

If your toddler hits, bites or pushes, you have plenty of company. In a study of 572 families, most toddlers used some physical aggression, and only 28% used little or none.101 In a study of more than 2,000 children, physical aggression was already present at 12 months, was more common at 24 and 36 months, and declined from the third birthday onward.67 A study of more than 10,000 Canadian children found that most used it occasionally or rarely as toddlers, and rarely or almost never by the preteen years.71 So hitting at 2 is common, not a verdict on your child or your parenting. It is something to teach, calmly and many times.

Tantrums

Tantrums are common in early childhood. In a large community study of preschoolers, nearly all (83.7%) had tantrums sometimes, but only 8.6% had them every day.105 Ordinary tantrums tend to follow frustration in situations you could predict; the kind worth raising with a professional are unpredictable, very long or destructive.105 See tantrums: when to get help.

Sleep

For 1- and 2-year-olds, the American Academy of Sleep Medicine recommends 11-14 hours of sleep in 24 hours, naps included, and regularly getting the recommended amount is linked with better attention, behavior and emotional control.123 If the hardest moments cluster before naps or late in the day, look at sleep first.

When to ask for help

If you are worried about how your child talks, plays or connects with people, raise it at a well-child visit. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends routine autism screening at 18 and 24 months.79 If hitting or tantrums seem far more intense than other children’s, see developmental differences.

What works, and why

The approach behind the best-tested parenting programs is the same at every age: warm attention for the behavior you want, clear instructions, ignoring small stuff, brief and calm consequences, and steady follow-through (see the core approach). In a meta-analysis of 36 controlled trials with young children (average age 4.7), behavioral treatments had the largest effects on disruptive behavior.3

A few firm limits

Keep the list of real limits short and make them never move: no hurting people or animals, car seat buckled, hold hands near the road. Everything else can bend. Programs that taught parents consistency, together with time-out, had larger effects.11

Say what you want, not only what you don’t: “Walk” instead of “Don’t run”. A short, firm “Stop” is fine: a systematic review of studies with children aged 1.5 to 11 found that reprimands consistently increased compliance.45 Firm is not harsh, though. In its 2018 policy statement, the American Academy of Pediatrics says yelling at or shaming children is minimally effective in the short term and not effective in the long term.64

Redirect, then praise

Offer something your child is allowed to do that meets the same urge: “Blocks stay on the floor. You can throw this ball outside.” Redirecting and setting limits are among the alternatives to punishment the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends in its 2018 policy statement.64 When your child takes the new option, notice it: “Wow, you threw that ball so far!” In parenting program trials, praise was one of only 3 of 26 techniques linked with stronger effects on disruptive behavior.16 See redirection, and specific praise and attention.

Choices

Offer two choices you are happy with either way: “Red cup or blue cup?” “Walk to the car or hop like a bunny?” Don’t ask “Do you want to get dressed?” when the answer has to be yes. A meta-analysis of 41 studies with children and adults found that having choices boosted motivation and effort, and boosted motivation more in children than in adults.46 Those studies measured motivation, not obedience, so use choices to get things moving, not to stop misbehavior. See offering choices.

When “no” is the answer to everything

  • Ask fewer yes-or-no questions: “Bath time,” not “Do you want a bath?”
  • Use when-then: “When your shoes are on, then we go to the park.”
  • Make it a game: race to the car, sing the clean-up song.
  • Let small things go. Mismatched socks are not a limit.

Supporting your child’s autonomy, their wish to have some say, is not the same as being permissive. A review that keeps the two apart reports that observational studies link this kind of autonomy support with toddlers taking rules on as their own.80 See defiance and “no”.

Helping your toddler calm down

During a tantrum:

  1. Keep everyone safe. Move your child, or move things away from them.
  2. Stay close, or a step back if touch makes it worse. Few words, low voice: “I’m here. You’re really mad.”
  3. Hold the limit that started it. Don’t argue, explain or bargain. Wait.
  4. When it passes, reconnect with a hug or a drink of water, and sum it up in one sentence: “You were so angry we had to leave. Now you’re calm.”

If the tantrum is about getting something you said no to, keep the no and give your full attention again once it is over. That is planned ignoring of the tantrum, not of your child.

Staying calm and close while your child settles is sometimes called co-regulation, and as a tool it is often called time-in. It is meant to help a child connect with you, share feelings and learn to calm down, but the research is early: in a small pilot study, mothers of 3- to 5-year-olds rated it easy to use and effective, and the authors note there are few studies of it.37 See also public meltdowns.

After hitting or biting

  1. Stop it at once. Hold the hand or move your child away: “I won’t let you bite.”
  2. Turn first to the child who was hurt.
  3. Show what to do instead: stroke gently, say “My turn!”, or bite a teether.
  4. Watch for patterns, such as tiredness, crowds or one toy everyone wants, and step in earlier next time.

If hitting keeps happening, see hitting and other aggression, and hitting and biting.

Bedtime routine

In a randomized study, starting a consistent bedtime routine helped toddlers aged 18-36 months fall asleep faster and wake less at night, and improved their mothers’ mood.121 See routines and visual schedules, and bedtime battles.

What backfires

  • Giving in once the screaming starts. If the limit was worth setting, keep it. You can be kind about the feeling and still not hand over the cookie.
  • Explaining, bargaining and lecturing mid-tantrum. Save the words for when your child is calm.
  • Hitting, slapping or biting back “so they know how it feels”. In its 2018 policy statement, the American Academy of Pediatrics advises against all corporal punishment.64 In a study of nearly 2,800 families, spanking at age 1 was linked with a higher chance of later child protective services involvement, and the authors advise professionals to counsel parents not to spank infants and toddlers.63 Researchers disagree about whether occasional mild spanking adds harm: a minority argue that harmful-looking results for ordinary spanking are likely due to other differences between families that studies could not fully control.62 Both sides, and what they agree on, are on the physical discipline page.
  • Yelling, threats and shaming. In its 2018 policy statement, the American Academy of Pediatrics advises against threats and shaming, and says yelling at or shaming children is minimally effective in the short term and not effective in the long term.64
  • Too many rules, and warnings you won’t carry out. Say less, and do what you say.
  • A phone to end every meltdown. In its 2016 statement on young children and media, the American Academy of Pediatrics discouraged screens other than video chat before 18 months. From 18 to 24 months, it advised parents who introduce media to choose high-quality content and use it with their child.110 See screens.

Things you can say

Short, calm and the same each time. Say it once, then act.

Your child hits I won’t let you hit. Hitting hurts. You can stomp your feet instead.
Your child bites Ouch! Biting hurts. If you need to bite, bite this.
A standoff at bath time Do you want to walk to the bath or ride on my back?
Leaving the house Shoes on first, then we go out.
During a tantrum You’re really angry. I’m right here. I’ll wait with you.
Holding the limit You can be mad. The answer is still no.
After the storm That was a big feeling. You calmed down. Hug?
Catching the good stuff You gave the car back. That was kind.

Sources

The small numbers in the text point to these sources. Each one has a full entry on the Research page.

  1. Comer, J. S., Chow, C., Chan, P. T., Cooper-Vince, C., & Wilson, L. A. S. (2013). Psychosocial Treatment Efficacy for Disruptive Behavior Problems in Very Young Children: A Meta-Analytic Examination. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 52(1), 26-36. See it on the Research page doi:10.1016/j.jaac.2012.10.001 Back to the text
  2. Kaminski, J. W., Valle, L. A., Filene, J. H., & Boyle, C. L. (2008). A Meta-analytic Review of Components Associated with Parent Training Program Effectiveness. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 36(4), 567-589. See it on the Research page doi:10.1007/s10802-007-9201-9 Back to the text
  3. Leijten, P., Gardner, F., Melendez-Torres, G. J., et al. (2019). Meta-Analyses: Key Parenting Program Components for Disruptive Child Behavior. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 58(2), 180-190. See it on the Research page doi:10.1016/j.jaac.2018.07.900 Back to the text
  4. Holden, G. W., Gower, T., Wee, S. E., Gaspar, R., & Ashraf, R. (2022). Is It Time for “Time-In”?: A Pilot Test of the Child-Rearing Technique. Pediatric Reports, 14(2), 244-253. See it on the Research page doi:10.3390/pediatric14020032 Back to the text
  5. Owen, D. J., Slep, A. M. S., & Heyman, R. E. (2012). The Effect of Praise, Positive Nonverbal Response, Reprimand, and Negative Nonverbal Response on Child Compliance: A Systematic Review. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 15(4), 364-385. See it on the Research page doi:10.1007/s10567-012-0120-0 Back to the text
  6. Patall, E. A., Cooper, H., & Robinson, J. C. (2008). The effects of choice on intrinsic motivation and related outcomes: A meta-analysis of research findings. Psychological Bulletin, 134(2), 270-300. See it on the Research page doi:10.1037/0033-2909.134.2.270 Back to the text
  7. Larzelere, R. E., Gunnoe, M. L., Pritsker, J., & Ferguson, C. J. (2024). Resolving the Contradictory Conclusions from Three Reviews of Controlled Longitudinal Studies of Physical Punishment: A Meta-Analysis. Marriage & Family Review, 60(7), 395-433. See it on the Research page doi:10.1080/01494929.2024.2392672 Back to the text
  8. Lee, S. J., Grogan-Kaylor, A., & Berger, L. M. (2014). Parental spanking of 1-year-old children and subsequent child protective services involvement. Child Abuse & Neglect, 38(5), 875-883. See it on the Research page doi:10.1016/j.chiabu.2014.01.018 Back to the text
  9. Sege, R. D., Siegel, B. S., Council on Child Abuse and Neglect, & Committee on Psychosocial Aspects of Child and Family Health (2018). Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children. Pediatrics, 142(6), e20183112. See it on the Research page doi:10.1542/peds.2018-3112 Back to the text
  10. Côté, S. M., Vaillancourt, T., LeBlanc, J. C., Nagin, D. S., & Tremblay, R. E. (2006). The development of physical aggression from toddlerhood to pre-adolescence: a nation wide longitudinal study of Canadian children. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 34(1), 71-85. See it on the Research page doi:10.1007/s10802-005-9001-z Back to the text
  11. Hyman, S. L., Levy, S. E., Myers, S. M., Council on Children With Disabilities, Section on Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics, Kuo, D. Z., Apkon, S., Davidson, L. F., Ellerbeck, K. A., Foster, J. E. A., Noritz, G. H., Leppert, M. O., Saunders, B. S., Stille, C., Yin, L., Weitzman, C. C., Childers, D. O., Levine, J. M., Peralta-Carcelen, A. M., Poon, J. K., . . . Bridgemohan, C. (2020). Identification, Evaluation, and Management of Children With Autism Spectrum Disorder. Pediatrics, 145(1), e20193447. See it on the Research page doi:10.1542/peds.2019-3447 Back to the text
  12. Joussemet, M., Landry, R., & Koestner, R. (2008). A self-determination theory perspective on parenting. Canadian Psychology / Psychologie canadienne, 49(3), 194-200. See it on the Research page doi:10.1037/a0012754 Back to the text
  13. Tremblay, R. E., Nagin, D. S., Séguin, J. R., Zoccolillo, M., Zelazo, P. D., Boivin, M., Pérusse, D., & Japel, C. (2004). Physical Aggression During Early Childhood: Trajectories and Predictors. Pediatrics, 114(1), e43-e50. See it on the Research page doi:10.1542/peds.114.1.e43 Back to the text
  14. Wakschlag, L. S., et al. (2012). Defining the developmental parameters of temper loss in early childhood: implications for developmental psychopathology. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 53(11), 1099-1108. See it on the Research page doi:10.1111/j.1469-7610.2012.02595.x Back to the text
  15. American Academy of Pediatrics, Council on Communications and Media (2016). Media and Young Minds. Pediatrics, 138(5), e20162591. See it on the Research page doi:10.1542/peds.2016-2591 Back to the text
  16. Mindell, J. A., Telofski, L. S., Wiegand, B., & Kurtz, E. S. (2009). A Nightly Bedtime Routine: Impact on Sleep in Young Children and Maternal Mood. Sleep, 32(5), 599-606. See it on the Research page doi:10.1093/sleep/32.5.599 Back to the text
  17. Paruthi, S., et al. (2016). Recommended Amount of Sleep for Pediatric Populations: A Consensus Statement of the American Academy of Sleep Medicine. Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine, 12(6), 785-786. See it on the Research page doi:10.5664/jcsm.5866 Back to the text