WeiMeiJiao Warm, firm discipline from birth to age 12

By age

Preschoolers (3-5 years)

This is the age for the whole approach: make the rules clear, notice when things go well, and keep consequences calm and brief.

Start here

  1. Pick 3 to 5 house rules and say them as what to do: “We use gentle hands.” The family rules poster helps.
  2. Catch your child being good several times a day and say what you liked. See specific praise and attention.
  3. Ignore minor whining and silliness, and give your attention back the moment it stops. See planned ignoring.
  4. Pick one calm, brief consequence for hitting and use it every time. See time-out.
  5. Before a transition, give a warning: “Two more slides, then we go home.”

What’s normal at this age

Tantrums

Tantrums are still part of the picture. In a community study of 1,490 preschoolers, 83.7% had tantrums sometimes, but only 8.6% had them every day.105 Ordinary tantrums tend to follow frustration in predictable situations; the worrying kind are unpredictable, very long or destructive.105

In a study of 3- to 6-year-olds, violence during tantrums, more tantrums at preschool or daycare and a harder time recovering were more common in children with disruptive behavior disorders than in healthy children, and self-harm during tantrums was more common in children with depression.69 These are differences between groups, not a checklist for your child, but if you see them, talk to your pediatrician (see tantrums: when to get help).

Hitting and aggression

Physical aggression usually starts to decline after the third birthday.67 In a study of more than 10,000 Canadian children aged 2 to 11, most used it less and less until they rarely or almost never did by the preteen years, but about 1 in 6 (16.6%) stayed at a high level.71 If your child’s hitting is frequent and not easing, raise it with a professional (see aggression and hitting).

First lies

When told not to peek at a toy, most 3- to 8-year-olds in one study peeked and then denied it.97 In another study, 2- and 3-year-olds with stronger executive function, the mental skills behind self-control, were more likely to lie.76 A first lie is a reason to teach, not to panic (see lying).

Sleep

For 3- to 5-year-olds, the American Academy of Sleep Medicine recommends 10-13 hours of sleep in 24 hours, naps included, and regularly getting the recommended amount is linked with better attention, behavior and emotional control.123

What works, and why

Every part of the core approach applies now. In a meta-analysis of 36 controlled trials with young children (average age 4.7), behavioral treatments had the largest effects on disruptive behavior.3 Programs that built positive parent-child interaction, taught time-out and consistency, and had parents practice with their own child had larger effects.11 The approach has been tested with Chinese families too: in Hong Kong, parents of 3- to 7-year-olds with early conduct problems who took Triple P reported fewer behavior problems than parents on a waiting list.17

Clear rules and instructions

Choose 3 to 5 house rules, said as what to do: “We use gentle hands.” “We walk inside.” Put them on the wall with pictures, or use the family rules poster.

For instructions, get close, get your child’s attention, say one thing, then wait a few seconds: “Please put your cup in the sink,” not “Could you stop making a mess?” A review of 42 studies concluded that giving instructions well (“effective instruction delivery”) may be considered an evidence-based way to get children to cooperate.47 See clear expectations and instructions and, for a child who digs in, defiance and “no”.

Praise the behavior you want

Catch your child being good, often. In parenting program trials, praise was one of only 3 of 26 techniques linked with stronger effects on disruptive behavior.16 Naming the behavior (“You put your shoes on by yourself!”) shows what you liked, but the exact wording matters less than you might think: in two experiments with 3- to 9-year-olds, labeled praise worked no better than a simple “Well done”.41

Think of praise as building good behavior over time, not as a way to get obedience in the moment. In experiments that tested single parenting behaviors, praise on its own did not increase compliance.40 That is the job of clear instructions and follow-through.

Planned ignoring

For minor, attention-seeking behavior such as whining or silly noises, look away, stay neutral, and give your attention back the moment it stops. In experiments that tested single parenting behaviors, briefly ignoring a child after they did not do what was asked robustly increased compliance.40 Never ignore hitting, danger or destruction. See planned ignoring and whining.

Time-in and time-out

They do different jobs. Time-in means staying close when feelings take over, naming the feeling and breathing together until the storm passes. It is meant to help a child connect with you, share feelings and learn to calm down, but the evidence is early: in one small pilot study, mothers of 3- to 5-year-olds rated it easy to use and effective, and the authors note how few studies exist.37

Time-out is a short, calm break from attention and fun after a clear rule-break, such as hitting or refusing an instruction. In experiments that tested single parenting behaviors, time-out for not following instructions robustly increased compliance.40 Keep it short and boring: one warning, a dull spot, no talking, then back to normal without a lecture, and the original instruction still stands. Acting up during time-out does not mean it is failing: in a small study of four 3- and 4-year-olds, problem behavior during time-out did not predict problem behavior outside it.32 Leaving time-out can be handled without hitting: in a small clinic study of 16 preschoolers, a non-physical backup worked as well as spanking.31

Worried that time-out harms children? In a long-term study, children whose parents said they used time-out at age 3 did not differ significantly from other children on any emotional, behavioral or relationship outcome through fifth grade.39 A review that answers attachment-based criticism argues that time-out used well generally supports children’s well-being.30

A rough rule: time-in when your child is overwhelmed, time-out for a rule-break you want to see less often. See the time-in and time-out cards, short time-outs and, for a child who won’t stay put, refusing time-out.

Logical consequences

A logical consequence fits the problem, is stated calmly, stays short and ends with a fresh start. Crayon on the wall: help wash it off. Toy thrown: it rests on the shelf until after lunch. Two children fighting over a toy: the toy takes a break (see sibling fighting). In parenting program trials, natural and logical consequences were another of the three techniques linked with stronger effects.16 When-then is the positive version: “When your teeth are brushed, then we read.” See logical consequences.

Transitions and starting preschool

Warn before changes: “Two more slides, then we go home.” A timer or the routine chart helps. For starting preschool, visit together first if you can, keep goodbyes short and the same every day, say when you will be back in terms your child knows (“after nap”), and don’t sneak out. If your child is clingier for a few weeks, add connection time, not consequences.

With preschool and grandparents in the picture, agree on the few rules that matter most. How well parents cooperate and agree as co-parents is linked with children’s adjustment, though the links are small.100 See when caregivers disagree and grandparents with different rules.

What backfires

  • Repeating instructions and warnings. Say it once, then follow through. Programs that taught consistency, together with time-out, had larger effects.11
  • Attention mostly for misbehavior. Flip it: more notice for the good moments, less for minor annoyances.
  • Harsh punishment. In its 2018 policy statement, the American Academy of Pediatrics says yelling at, shaming or hitting children is minimally effective in the short term and not effective in the long term.64 In a meta-analysis, corporal punishment was linked with more immediate compliance, but also with more aggression, weaker moral internalization and poorer mental health.54 Researchers disagree about whether occasional mild spanking adds harm, but even the minority who defend it found that overly severe physical punishment, or using it as the main method, compared badly with other methods.60 Both views are set out on the physical discipline page.
  • Time-out done badly. Long, angry, full of lectures, or threatened and never used.
  • Bribes in the middle of a meltdown. A treat offered to stop a tantrum is not when-then, which is agreed beforehand.

Things you can say

Setting a house rule In our house, we use gentle hands.
Before the park When the toys are back in the box, then we go to the park.
Catching the good stuff You asked for a turn instead of grabbing. Nice!
When the whining stops Thanks for asking in your normal voice. Sure, here you go.
Time-in You’re really upset. Let’s sit together until your body feels calmer.
Time-out You hit, so that’s time-out. Sit on the step until the timer rings.
A logical consequence The car got thrown, so it rests on the shelf until after lunch.
Preschool drop-off I’ll pick you up after nap. Hug, kiss, see you later!

Sources

The small numbers in the text point to these sources. Each one has a full entry on the Research page.

  1. Comer, J. S., Chow, C., Chan, P. T., Cooper-Vince, C., & Wilson, L. A. S. (2013). Psychosocial Treatment Efficacy for Disruptive Behavior Problems in Very Young Children: A Meta-Analytic Examination. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 52(1), 26-36. See it on the Research page doi:10.1016/j.jaac.2012.10.001 Back to the text
  2. Kaminski, J. W., Valle, L. A., Filene, J. H., & Boyle, C. L. (2008). A Meta-analytic Review of Components Associated with Parent Training Program Effectiveness. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 36(4), 567-589. See it on the Research page doi:10.1007/s10802-007-9201-9 Back to the text
  3. Leijten, P., Gardner, F., Melendez-Torres, G. J., et al. (2019). Meta-Analyses: Key Parenting Program Components for Disruptive Child Behavior. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 58(2), 180-190. See it on the Research page doi:10.1016/j.jaac.2018.07.900 Back to the text
  4. Leung, C., Sanders, M. R., Leung, S., Mak, R., & Lau, J. (2003). An outcome evaluation of the implementation of the Triple P-Positive Parenting Program in Hong Kong. Family Process, 42(4), 531-544. See it on the Research page doi:10.1111/j.1545-5300.2003.00531.x Back to the text
  5. Dadds, M. R., & Tully, L. A. (2019). What is it to discipline a child: What should it be? A reanalysis of time-out from the perspective of child mental health, attachment, and trauma. American Psychologist, 74(7), 794-808. See it on the Research page doi:10.1037/amp0000449 Back to the text
  6. Day, D. E., & Roberts, M. W. (1983). An analysis of the physical punishment component of a parent training program. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 11(1), 141-152. See it on the Research page doi:10.1007/bf00912184 Back to the text
  7. Donaldson, J. M., & Vollmer, T. R. (2011). An Evaluation and Comparison of Time-Out Procedures With and Without Release Contingencies. Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis, 44(4), 693-705. See it on the Research page doi:10.1901/jaba.2011.44-693 Back to the text
  8. Holden, G. W., Gower, T., Wee, S. E., Gaspar, R., & Ashraf, R. (2022). Is It Time for “Time-In”?: A Pilot Test of the Child-Rearing Technique. Pediatric Reports, 14(2), 244-253. See it on the Research page doi:10.3390/pediatric14020032 Back to the text
  9. Knight, R. M., Albright, J., Deling, L., Dore-Stites, D., & Drayton, A. K. (2020). Longitudinal Relationship Between Time-Out and Child Emotional and Behavioral Functioning. Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics, 41(1), 31-37. See it on the Research page doi:10.1097/dbp.0000000000000725 Back to the text
  10. Leijten, P., Gardner, F., Melendez-Torres, G. J., Knerr, W., & Overbeek, G. (2018). Parenting behaviors that shape child compliance: A multilevel meta-analysis. PLOS ONE, 13(10), e0204929. See it on the Research page doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0204929 Back to the text
  11. Leijten, P., Thomaes, S., Orobio de Castro, B., Dishion, T. J., & Matthys, W. (2016). What good is labeling what’s good? A field experimental investigation of parental labeled praise and child compliance. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 87, 134-141. See it on the Research page doi:10.1016/j.brat.2016.09.008 Back to the text
  12. Radley, K. C., & Dart, E. H. (2016). Antecedent Strategies to Promote Children’s and Adolescents’ Compliance with Adult Requests: A Review of the Literature. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 19, 39-54. See it on the Research page doi:10.1007/s10567-015-0197-3 Back to the text
  13. Gershoff, E. T. (2002). Corporal punishment by parents and associated child behaviors and experiences: A meta-analytic and theoretical review. Psychological Bulletin, 128(4), 539-579. See it on the Research page doi:10.1037/0033-2909.128.4.539 Back to the text
  14. Larzelere, R. E., & Kuhn, B. R. (2005). Comparing Child Outcomes of Physical Punishment and Alternative Disciplinary Tactics: A Meta-Analysis. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 8(1), 1-37. See it on the Research page doi:10.1007/s10567-005-2340-z Back to the text
  15. Sege, R. D., Siegel, B. S., Council on Child Abuse and Neglect, & Committee on Psychosocial Aspects of Child and Family Health (2018). Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children. Pediatrics, 142(6), e20183112. See it on the Research page doi:10.1542/peds.2018-3112 Back to the text
  16. Belden, A. C., Thomson, N. R., & Luby, J. L. (2008). Temper Tantrums in Healthy Versus Depressed and Disruptive Preschoolers: Defining Tantrum Behaviors Associated with Clinical Problems. The Journal of Pediatrics, 152(1), 117-122. See it on the Research page doi:10.1016/j.jpeds.2007.06.030 Back to the text
  17. Côté, S. M., Vaillancourt, T., LeBlanc, J. C., Nagin, D. S., & Tremblay, R. E. (2006). The development of physical aggression from toddlerhood to pre-adolescence: a nation wide longitudinal study of Canadian children. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 34(1), 71-85. See it on the Research page doi:10.1007/s10802-005-9001-z Back to the text
  18. Evans, A. D., & Lee, K. (2013). Emergence of lying in very young children. Developmental Psychology, 49(10), 1958-1963. See it on the Research page doi:10.1037/a0031409 Back to the text
  19. Talwar, V., & Lee, K. (2008). Social and Cognitive Correlates of Children’s Lying Behavior. Child Development, 79(4), 866-881. See it on the Research page doi:10.1111/j.1467-8624.2008.01164.x Back to the text
  20. Teubert, D., & Pinquart, M. (2010). The Association Between Coparenting and Child Adjustment: A Meta-Analysis. Parenting, 10(4), 286-307. See it on the Research page doi:10.1080/15295192.2010.492040 Back to the text
  21. Wakschlag, L. S., et al. (2012). Defining the developmental parameters of temper loss in early childhood: implications for developmental psychopathology. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 53(11), 1099-1108. See it on the Research page doi:10.1111/j.1469-7610.2012.02595.x Back to the text
  22. Paruthi, S., et al. (2016). Recommended Amount of Sleep for Pediatric Populations: A Consensus Statement of the American Academy of Sleep Medicine. Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine, 12(6), 785-786. See it on the Research page doi:10.5664/jcsm.5866 Back to the text